Halos and Tridents...

                                           

T'was the call of a new time. The first step into the unseen. As the early specks of light dust broke through the tiny crevice between my shades, It snapped open a calm revrie and my eyes tore apart with toe-curling realisation,

I've gotta pee....REAL BAD!!

                                               

Sorry about that. Kinda tasteless but couldn't resist. The lil' devil in my mind kept saying, "GO FOR IT!".

You know, the same nasty bugger that makes you want to kick someone in the ass every time they happen to be bending over tying their shoelace or something.

                                                 

The same one that makes you want to run over a mime just because the street needed another zebra crossing.

                                               

It's that nasty devil that almost always clobbers your pure conscience leaving you regretting a deed you really should've thought twice about. Especially when said "Kicked-butt" turns around with a six-foot confidence and a raging fist itching to have a go at remodelling your sorry face. Especially even, when you're left scraping all the gooey white makeup that stubbornly clings to your front bumper with the kind of annoying defiance you come to see with mimes.

There seems to be a raging war in our heads that governs the deeds of all and sundry. More often than not, these minor battles are but ripples to a still water that is life. But there come times in every person's life when decisions have the ability to upturn, to disturb a tranquillity and to bring ashore a hurdle unforeseen.

                             
Now, I'm not going to be all angelic. There's not going to be any saint like bullshit from me. No "The truth shall set you free", No "Only the good shall succeed". That's all a load of poop. When it comes to these decisions, When that little devil starts polishing his trident and the angel, his halo (Don't really know what they go to war with, the halo must be there for something), both sides seem to carve "the perfect path". Both with it's share of benefits and piss-offs. I'm not really one to judge which is right and which is wrong. That folks, is a matter of perception.

But I will tell you this. Don't try to think of it as the path of the devil or the path of the angel. Just stop and consider this, Is what you're about to do going to be worth it?

For when the first specks of light dust break through the tiny crevice between your shades, snapping open a calm reverie signalling the dawn of a new day, When the world opens it's arms to a tomorrow,

Will you be able to spread your shoulders with a warmth that comes with the knowledge of a job well done and a guilt free future that lasts longer than the few minutes of joy that comes from a stolen orgasm or a drug induced high?

We all fight our own battles littered with guilty pleasures and hooded memories. Our back yard is as cluttered as our neighbours. Only we have the right to look back and criticise.

Don't judge others when we know not what they have to face. Ones life is ones own. It's our identity. Be it good or bad. Be it the fuck-ups or just the good ol' "ups". It's ours for the taking.

Kids, poodles and poopy pants.....

                                                                   "Childhood Innocence"

Surely they weren't serious? Surely there's been some kind of a mistake? Someone must be having a laugh?


Whoever decided to bring the two words together must surely be laughing his bony bum off in a grave somewhere.

Either that or he must have been high. I hear Opium was legal those days. Must have taken an small Asian nation just to keep the creative in question awake.

Either that or it was written by an idiot. Apparently "Someone" gifted life without the curse of self-awareness. Or taste, irony or judgement for that matter.

Whoever thinks children are innocent surely hasn't been tasked with babysitting those nasty buggers yet. No matter what, I always end up having to find my wallet under couches and behind cupboards. And they almost always have a few notes missing, Not that there were many in the first place. And the STAINS.GOD!!! those STAINS!!!

                                                          

But those issues aside, Kids have always had a sort of perverse sense of thought. By perverse, I refer not, to the sexual innuendos of adults. Nope, for them, puberty is miles away and any sight of the opposite sex makes them run for cover, screaming "COOTIES" as a distress call for all to hear.

                                                  

Nope. What I'm referring to, is different sort of perversion. The sort of perversion that's to do with wet ketchup stains, poopy pants, wet beds and the oh-so-unforgettable FART JOKES. You think we'd be above such stuff, but our backyard is ridden with childhood memories to negate such false assumptions.

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Look at me for instance,

By age 11, I was convinced that poodles were dogs with some weird hair shedding disease. I mean, look at these buggers.

                                                            

By age 12, Ben Franklin made way into my school syllabus. I had my first Einstein moment that day. I'd theorised that the growing poodle population had nothing to do with a fast spreading hair disease but everything to do with a bunch of dogs who'd decided to pee on a lightning rod in the middle of a Thunder storm.

                                                    

Something similar to this

By age 13, I was told it wasn't the rod that rode down the side of a building. Merely a wire connected to it.

                                                        

Safe to say, I thought the teacher an idiot. Never poop on kid's imagination. You might just end-up with some on your doorstep.
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Now, That brings to mind another obsession. The word "Poop" had made it's way into every child's vocabulary. I was no exception. We'd be hurling insults at the speed of light to all and sundry. With words ranging from poopy pants to poopy poop and the infamous poopy face, The "largely brown" spectrum was vast growing owing to no lack of imagination or creative input on our part.
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And the fart jokes just kept coming. We'd been blasting fart noises into the still atmosphere ever since we learnt to "Pucker up and blow".

                                                        

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But all jokes aside, I didn't mean it when i say kids aren't innocent. They're the best kind of innocent.

You see,

As we grew up, Our best friend becomes our worst enemy.
Lollipops turned to cigarettes.
Home work went in the trash.
Detention became suspension.
Soda became vodka.
Kisses turned into sex.

Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground?
When protection meant wearing a helmet?
When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties?
When Papa's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mommy was the love of ur life?
When your worst enemies were your siblings?
When race issues were about who ran the fastest and war was only a card game?
When only drug you knew was cough medicine?
When the only things that hurt you were skinned knees?
When goodbyes only meant, until tomorrow?
Remember when we couldn't wait to grow up?

Bring back that innocence folks. The world needs it. You need it!

So reach under your beds, Don on that red-blanket and take to the skies in your blue boxers. And when you've reached the highest....the peak....the summit....

                                                            just PUCKER-UP and BLOW.

Cacti, Lesbians and Derailment

In the murky waters of the human psyche, None is more wily than 'Thought'. This slippery dweller is hard to get hold of, much less control. It's subtle shifts in direction can put you off topic and off course, speeding head first into unforeseen predicaments.

Permit me to explain using an example.

Visualise this, One minute you're with friends, bumping and grinding your way into a sort of post-exam delirium, and the next, you wake up stuck face first to a cactus with your pants around your ankles. Devoid of any recent memory, You only have the wafting vapours of a night best left forgotten and a growing sensation to use the....

Sorry, I lost track.

                            

But then again, That's just it! We lose track! More often than not, Subtle pushes are all it takes to derail, what many have come to call as, The Train Of Thought.

What makes this all the more astonishing is the ludicrousy of the far-fetched ends of the thought spectrum.

Come to think of it. Is Ludicrousy even a word? I mean, I've heard of Ludicrous, Everyone's heard of Ludicrous! But I've never actually found the word Ludicrousy in any dictionary. I've googled it and still no answers. Would that I had invented the word myself merely cause it sounded nice? Then again, What is language other than a medium for comfortable human communication? And what is comfort other than...

Sorry, I got ahead of myself there. Where was I? Aah yes, The Thought Spectrum.

What's funny about it is that you never really know where you're gonna end up. One minute you're in a heated convo surrounding the lifetime of a headless cockroach (9 days is what I've heard) and the next, You're in blatant awed appreciation at the size of Scarlett Johannsen's ..................... SMILE.

                                         

                                                                   Never a dull topic, ehh?

To illustrate this further, I've ventured 'long and hard' (Whoever made this idiom is a freak. Sheesh, could you be any less tactful) into the depths of Google land and have come up with an absolute cracker.



                                         Screw the ozone layer folks! Class just got interesting!

All jokes aside, The train of thought is a beautiful concept to ponder. Next time you're in conversation with your buddies. Stop for a minute and try recollecting the links to the chain. It's a fun exercise.


                                                                  Until next time, people!

Misconceptions of Major proportions....

People should know, I'm not a very political person. The most interested I've ever been in politics is when Aragorn had to usurp the steward of GONDOR and take his rightful place as king. *That was in reference to one of the most awesome pieces of literature in living memory, The Lord Of The Rings.* For those who haven't read the series, .............. , I'm sorry but is that even a possibility. Anyways, before my mind starts wandering, lets get back to my take on politics,

Umm, Politics, yes, right, my take, sooo, POLITICS!!.
                                                        

Nope! Still nothing!

                                                   

So, When someone came up to me the other day and asked,

RANDOM DUDE : "Hey Dude, you're Muslim, right?"
ME : "uh-huh"
RANDOM DUDE : "Why do you hate the world so much, What's with all the terrorism?"
ME : "They weren't real, I swear!"
RANDOM DUDE : "What weren't real?"
ME : "The fart noises, I swear, They might seem so in the video, buh they were completely dubbed."
RANDOM DUDE : "What are you talking about?"
ME : "What are YOU talking about?"
RANDOM DUDE : "Al-qaeda, Bombs, Taliban, etc, etc"
ME : "Ohh...So you havent seen the video?"
RANDOM DUDE : "What video?"

*Note to self; delete video*

And then folks, The entire conversation does a rerun through my head. Here was a guy believing that Muslims have a soft spot for mass murder. Now thats just wrong!! My issues with clowns aside, I have absolutely no homicidal tendencies within me, Dormant or otherwise. Sure, there was that Mime I ran over last year, but in my defence, I'm pretty sure he was alien anyways.

                                                    

(What perfectly sane guy would ever wear make-up? And that shade of lipstick sooo didnt go well with his scarf. Also, a little foundation never harmed anyone, perhaps even a tanning appointment. And those tights, CAN WE SAY DISASTER, anyone?)

RANDOM DUDE : "Umm, are you just gonna stand there all day, or, am I gonna get a reply."
ME: "Oh...uhh...where were we?? Aah yes, your implication on my religion. Honestly bro, I don't get where you're getting this from. Your misconceived assumption based on a stereotype without foundation is quite literally degrading."
RANDOM DUDE : "But it's true right?"
ME : "HELL NO! I donno who the Al-Qaeda or Taleban are, but they are NOT MUSLIMS!! There is no such thing as EXTREMIST muslims. We DO NOT live by the sword. ('Light Saber' i can imagine, That be like super cool, I'd make an awesome Yoda and then w....), Oh ryt, umm....., The point is, JIHAD is our struggle to practise our religion despite oppression. We DO NOT go to war, GET IT! There is absolutely no question of waging a "HOLY WAR" to "SPREAD THE FAITH" and compel people to embrace Islam; THAT would be lame cause you wouldn't be embracing us with a NICE WARM HUG then, Would you?"
RANDOM DUDE : "Relax dude. It was an honest question."
ME : "Nah, its not your fault, Half the world thinks so."



RANDOM DUDE : "Yeah, sorry man.
ME : "It's fyn."
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RANDOM DUDE : So, I wish there was something really fun that would take my mind out of boredom. The Olympics are boring and football doesn't start in two weeks."
ME : "FUN huh? WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN SIR?"
RANDOM DUDE : "SOMETHING WITH LIGHT  HEARTED HUMOR, A WEBSITE PERHAPS?"
ME : "HMM..WOULD A BLOG DO?"
RANDOM DUDE : "AWESOME!!"
ME : "YEAH, YOU'LL LOVE IT. IT'S CALLED "BOOGERS,CO...............

*And they said i wasn't good at SUBTLE advertising, I'm bloody darn awesome with it*